Will I ever find myself? Will I ever stop and have found myself?

No.
And why would you? You, the core of this whole system called „you“ is pure potential, endless possibility. Why would you ever stop finding new things in endless possibilities? You can stop searching but you won’t stop finding.
Sometimes we want life to be a book or a movie, don´t we? One story that has a clear start and a clear ending and, more importantly, one goal that we can achieve and then we get our treat. There is an interesting development in movies and books to produce sequels, besides all the shows that go on and on with new storylines. People seem to respond very well to that. I think that is because we are coming to terms with the idea that life might be more of an accumulation of storylines and that that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I once heard a lecture about the cultural aspects of romantic movies, the tutor said „no movie could ever be as complex and sappy as reality. People couldn’t take it and would leave the cinema“. I think that might be true for all movies, just in different ways, and for reality.
To me life is endless. Sayings like „life is a journey, not a destination“ or „the path is the goal“ seem very true to me. If you want that to be different, if you want it to be a short travel vom A to B, there is a chance that you are not very satisfied with where you are at the moment or that you are afraid of what might come down the line.
I think partly that is how it should be. There should be wanting more or wanting different otherwise why would you keep on walking, why would you change and transform if you are totally happy and comfortable with where you are? The thing is, standing still, not in action for a moment but in life in general, is the opposite of life, it is death.
But like always in duality, both sides are equally important and we will have to use the dimensions of space and time to do both sides justices, doing one thing for some time somewhere and the other thing at another time and place.
I think persisting disbalance is the cause of all suffering. Since balance is finding the right amount of two dual things, in order to gain balance it seems wise to first reflect on what you have tried so far to make things better and then find the opposite and emphasise that. If you have taking life very serious: ease up, try to see it more as a game, more lightheartedly. If you have been too unconscious: be more conscious. If you have been playing around: find meaning. If you have been mostly doing, always active: stop, meditate. Not to find something again, at least nothing beside nothing-ness. Meditate to find balance for the doing in not-dong. That´s what mediation always have been, it just became another doing-thing as it migrated into the west, however since wanting-not-wanting is another wanting itself, I don´t think there is any reason to be too rigid on what meditation is or not is. Maybe there is no reason to be too rigid with anything if life can be so humorous as to create such abstracts like wanting-not-wanting, we just of cause shouldn´t be too little ridged ether.

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